Nose Job

"Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans every year die from rabies."

Michael Scott - "The Office" - Season 4 "Fun Run."

"I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

Emily Charlton - "The Devil Wears Prada."

A week ago, I declared that I thought I had sinusitis but was mistaken. Today, I'm reporting that I was right the first time. By Wednesday, the pain in my forehead, nose, cheek, and ear on the left side reached fever pitch. That, too - about 99.8.

I try not to run to the doctor at the first sign of pain - even when it spans several interrelated body parts. But, after not really sleeping much on Wednesday night, I decided that Thursday was the day. Sure enough, the doctor confidently announced, "Oh YEAH, you really have sinusitis - I'm sure."

It's not like I tried to sell him on the theory. The walking symptoms are all too-familiar to me. The trick is to wait long enough to be sure that I'll leave the doctor's office the first time with the medications I need to beat it; but, not long enough for my face to swell up too much, elephant-man style. I've actually mismanaged this dilemma while traveling for business, since I once failed to sound the alarm bell before leaving town. In that instance, I raced through south suburban Salt Lake City in a rental car with only 35 minutes left before the urgent care facility closed for the day. Anything to avoid the ER charge. By the time I got there, with 10 minutes to spare, the lump on the right side of my nose did my talking for me. Another round of another doctor's new favorite antibiotic for sinusitis.

This week, I might have outsmarted myself. I was certain that the pressure in my ear drum had prevented me from hearing clearly when the doctor proudly pronounced the name of the antibiotic du jour.

"Ciprofloxacin!"

He fairly pumped his fist in the air at the mention, as I stuttered something like, "....did you just say CIPRO???"

Yes, he did. Say Ciprofloxacin. Cipro.

I've only experienced the nuclear medication that is Cipro one other time in my life. The ailment was entirely different, the circumstances of which will not be discussed here. Suffice to say, the remedy was more challenging than the ailment; which had been foreshadowed when that particular doctor had noted that "Cipro kills everything!"

What, exactly, was meant by "everything?" I had wondered at the time which part of me would constitute everything and hoped it wasn't all of me.

If you've ever downed Cipro, you'll understand what I mean when I say that the first couple of days on this drug make you feel like a copper penny flattened by a freight train. Like the doctor forgot to give you a prescription for the antidote that will permit you to do the remedial things. Like walk, eat, and sleep.

Of course, it's important to note that it also "works" for the thing you're trying to overcome. So, that's helpful.

If you're thinking that you've heard the word "Cipro" before, and it wasn't in the context of sinusitis, you would be correct. In all likelihood, you're thinking that it had something to do with national security. You would be right again.

You're probably an avid reader of the National Institutes of Health website and remember now that Cipro is used to treat or prevent dangerous exposures that are deliberately spread. Things like anthrax, plague, and tularemia. Stuff that could happen during biological warfare.

Sounds serious, right? I thought so....

The list of side effects to expect, but that aren't serious enough to call the doctor, includes eight items. The list of side effects that are serious enough to discontinue use and call the doctor numbers 34 items. Reflecting on my day so far, influenced by my active imagination, I might believe I've experienced half the list by now.

But, it's also true that the original ailment is under control and improving. A little confusion, restlessness, and loss of appetite seems a small price to pay.

So long as I live to tell another tale next week....