Long Division With Remainders

"Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins, it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols."

Thomas Mann

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

Yogi Berra

The first Monday in January this year is already the fifth of the month. I guess some folks are having a hard time getting to work on their resolutions. Never one to miss a business opportunity, Oprah is lending her expertise to the topic in ways we've absolutely heard and seen before.

During a 30-minute Noon news segment on the local CBS affiliate, I saw at least four promos for Oprah's show about her extraordinary weight gain. How did she let this happen??!! Well, I don't know. But, my Facebook page continues to post an ad for "Oprah's Acai Berry Diet -- This is the biggest diet buzz in the history of Hollywood. See why everyone's talking about it and order yours!"

She didn't eat enough of them.

Or, she ate all of them.

I don't know much about a chocolate-flavored berry or where it's been all my life. But, I'm pretty sure Oprah isn't the best spokesmodel for anything related to this diet. In January, or any other month for that matter.

In other First Monday in January news -- according to the Washington Post last year (add it to the growing list of things I don't read anymore) -- this day is affectionately referred to in Britain as "D-Day."

Lest the hamsters running your brain's history loop have fallen off the wheel, let me clarify that the term has nothing to do with World War II. But, it apparently does have something to do with war. The domestic kind.

The story went that, when children return to school on the first Monday of January (or whatever Monday in January marks the end of the long holiday period there each year), a sharp increase in divorce filings follows. After having been stuck at home with spouses for the extended period, a unique combination of lonliness and resolution is credited for triggering such an outburst of decision-making.

Add too much drink, too much messing around, and too much spending to this toxic emotional trauma, et voila! Another one bites the dust.

I don't understand what people have been doing all year if they wait until Christmas to decide they're unhappy. If they wait until Christmas to determine that they must now wait until January 5 to file for divorce, lest they disappoint the children. Unless the children have been at boarding school, they were probably already hip to the monkey.

The new year promise of "new beginnings" certainly takes on a different ring in this context. A lot of people undoubtedly place too much expectation on themselves and others. Throwing out a spouse with the old habits?

Might be taking "in with the new" a tad bit literally.

Acai Berry Scam, anyone??!!