Hit By a Box

"In terms of fast food and deep understanding of the culture of fast food, I'm your man."

Bill Gates

http://www.hangintherejack.com

Sometime in late 2008, I wrote about my irrational love for Jack in the Box tacos. Somebody at Box headquarters must have read my blog, because they decided to line extend the two for $.99 wonders into a new, higher margin item. I know, because I was there tonight. It was supposed to be just a quick stop for two tacos. Which, with my complete cooperation, morphed into four.

If JITB tacos aren't bad enough -- and, there has always been some question about whether they actually constitute "food" -- the JITB product people have now mercilessly unleashed "Taco Nachos." The two for $.99 tacos cut into four wedges (the shape of nachos!), spread over a bed of shredded lettuce (that would otherwise be put inside the tacos!), topped with sliced jalapeno peppers (real nacho stuff!), and covered with classic not-really-cheese nacho cheese sauce. Thereby eliminating the need for the half-slice of American cheese in the regular tacos.

For this culinary adventure in a plastic tray with a plastic lid, they charge $1.99. The incremental profit for this item over the two for $.99 tacos must be at least $.50. God Bless America!

I will try (almost) anything (at least) once. I ordered the Taco Nachos and two Tacos. And a small soft drink.

Verdict? Two for $.99 tacos cannot be beat.

But, that's not the biggest piece of learning at the foot of the JITB marketing temple tonight. No, that distinction belongs to the "get well" poster for Jack Box situated in the front window by the front door. JITB has launched another web-based underground marketing campaign that, this time, leverages Facebook, Twitter, and Flickr to promote breakfast for dinner, dinner for breakfast, and lunch for late-night snack.

In the late 1990's, JITB created the "Meaty Cheesey Boys," a fictional boys band to launch their "Ultimate Cheeseburger," a double quarter-pound hamburger monstrosity with three or four slices of cheese on it, I can't remember which. They also teased the possibility of the "Spicy Crispy Chicks" in a TV ad for their Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich on a Bun, but Jack rejected it as too sexist.

Now, we learn tonight that Jack Box is fighting for his life in a southern California hospital after having been hit by a bus. His surgeon used all his glue gun skills to repair the massive head wound on Jack's massive head, but he's reportedly clinging by a thin thread at this very hour.

Needless to say, this news is quite disturbing. The accident occurred on February 1, but apparently the mainstream media thinks they have better things to do than keep the JITB family informed about Mr. Box's health. What, they don't think the stock price will be affected by this???? For crying out loud, Apple took an enormous hit just on the rumor that Steve Jobs had an eating disorder.

I am outraged. And, based on the information I've pieced together tonight, I believe the evidence will eventually point to the acting-CEO as a person of interest. Either he put out the hit on Jack, or he's a co-conspirator with a jealous competitor. Probably someone located in or near the Indianapolis area.

I've known Jack since back in the day. When they blew him up. Literally blew him up!!! He was just doing his job, sitting in his box, day after day after day and night after night after night. Helping customers in the drive-through. Speaking only when spoken to. Never had a harsh word for anyone and never hurt a fly. Sure, he was boring. But, his job description didn't ask him to lead the company, invent new products, or take a hit for his employees. Well, now someone has gone and done it again!!

In what can only be described as a miracle, Jack survived that murder attempt. He rose from the ashes to take control of the company and lift it to heights never before imagined.

And, if I know Jack, he'll pull through this latest conspiracy, too. I don't know if he'll be able to show his face or get his head through the door ever again, but he'll be back.

Hang in there, Jack.